Getting better

Hey :)

So living here for slightly more than a week, things are getting slightly better.

The weather though, is horrible. It's so humid and warm; The worse bit is when your car is parked outside some stall/shop for hours, and when you get into it, it's like sending yourself to be cooked.

On saturday, I went out with an old childhood friend called Sasha. She's really nice, she's about a year younger than me, but she acts pretty mature. She brought me to her youth group at Skyline, which was pretty okay. I got to meet some people, some guys and girls. But I'd say the guys were more friendly. Hm.

The next day, on a sunday, I went to our soon to be daily 'home' church which is in Likas. And after the service, I got to meet their youth, which is not as many youths compared to Skyline, but I got to meet everyone of them in Likas! Which was good, i guess. Everyone was nice, both girls and boys. The church used to be our old church, when we were back here. So I guess it makes them less unknown to me.

But yea, We are moving into our new house the day after tomorrow! Which I am excited about and will definitely take photos (and post the post on my Singapore trip : Hello Singapore!) and I can't publish it now, because my internet in this house is heck loads of slow, so yup.

But things are getting better for me. I think it's because I got to meet more malaysians, and pleased to say that they're really friendly. So yes, I am excited to meet more, and catch up with the new ones.

I'll update soon!

Chelsea

They're not suppose to be.

Lately, things are still the same. I guess just slightly better. I think.

I'll be starting school next month. It's not really school. It's like a centre that teaches us and stuff. So it's like a schooling centre. It is quite costly, but less than an international school. I'll be sitting for O levels, Cambridge. And taking either 3 subjects or 5 subjects! I'll update you soon! My uniform is only a top. Like a tee and I can wear whatever I want with it, as long as it's not TOO short. I'll update you with my schooling soon!

Recently, I've been talking to some lovely people that have been encouraging me alot. I realized that after I left NZ, that these people still care. I know the others care too. Like I mean it was really shocking at the messages and texts people sent me, who took the time to write to me, all the cards and presents. It really was sweet. But what really stood out to me is who still is keeping in touch, checking up on me, and still cares.

I haven't been talking to my best friends lately. Maybe it's the time difference, distance or distractions. I think it's just lack of effort. I still make the time to talk to other people who are not my best friends, I guess I'm too blame too. I've been telling people that I don't miss individuals, in fact, I haven't cried about leaving NZ. I think I won't be crying, or the time just hasn't come yet.

But I talked to Katie a few days ago about it. She feels the same. It's as if I'm on holiday. It's like I'm actually coming back, not gone for good. We both feel the same way. They - Steph and Helen, do too. I talked to Helen a bit too, a few days ago. But not Steph. Is it my fault too? That I should be the one to write, to ask how she's doing? I guess it's not affecting me that much, likewise for her, obviously.

I just had the thought lately, that I'm so fortunate to have met so many wonderful people. And I realized some different things along the way..

Charles and Kenneth has been consistently talking to me, asking me how I am. Kenneth and I are also writing alot too. And then the thought hit me, that even they asked, that they care. And my own best friends do, but not like them. In a way I'm comparing, but if you ask yourself, isn't it.. strange?

Ah, I don't know. It's just something I realized. I've also been messaging Vibha, which makes me happy. I've been getting quite the sum of messages, and I'm happy at the content of the messages, and the senders. Just the fact there's none from my bestfriends, that's just a tad dissapointing. But then again, they have their reasons, right? :) Well, I hope so!

ALSO. I'm working on a post on my trip to Singapore! I'm almost done, it's just that the internet is quite slow, so I can't upload the photos, but it should be up soon! (I HOPE)

Until then,

goodnight! :)

Has the feeling sunk in yet?

I arrived in Sabah, Malaysia on the 20th, on a friday.

For the past few weeks, I've been asking my sister 'Has the feeling sunk in yet?'.
When we started to pack our things a few months back, when we moved out of the house a month ago, when we left NZ 2 weeks ago, when we were in Singapore last week and when we arrived in Malaysia. I ask her this almost every day. Until today, neither of us feel as if it's real.

From the moment I arrived in the airport, everything was horrible. The air was humid, the people surrounded were illegal pervery immigrants. Reality sunk in. First of all, my family is going through a rough time, my parents are going through a hard time. Every day seems to be fighting day, filled with either cold silences or hatred and tears.

A few months back, something inside of me changed slowly. Like a seed planted in me, and it grew. Not literally obviously. I've changed my attitude and mindset. Even my family noticed. I don't like being at home, I don't like the atmosphere with my family. I give cold responses, I don't like to smile. I answer back whenever I can. I don't like to talk. I make mean and harsh comments. It's been like that for awhile actually. It's funny what all these can do to a person.

The actions, words and faces are so familiar. Something like a rebellion spirit. Something like someone close, someone we knew for a very long time.

Life seems to get tougher everyday.

Today, I woke up and went downstairs to find my mother sobbing in her room by herself. My parents fought again. Something about how my dad has changed, how things are different, etc. All I could do was to put my arms around her. My sister came shortly after and started to comfort my mum with me. They both cried. I held back my tears. Part of me felt sympathy, but the rest was nothing. I should feel sad and miserable, and instead I feel nothing. Just coldness and a slight understanding. If my mum can't stay strong, I have to. For my family, and myself.

I used to be really emotional. Somehow over the years, or maybe months, I grew insensitive and I tend to hide my emotions instead. Is it wrong that I want to appear strong? Is coldness such a bad thing?

My parents fight about the littlest things. It's like a tiny battle. My sister is pretty much on my mum's side. She reckons my dad has change. I'm on no one's side. It's both of their fault. Many couples tell me marriage is hard, in my head though, I don't think it's that hard to work out. It's just some misunderstandings, differences and challenges, right?

My mum asked me whether I'd wanna go back to NZ when she was crying. The answer is obvious isn't it, I hate it here. I hate everything. We all know that God has a plan for us, that everything he does is for a greater purpose. This is my 3rd time migrating, although it's back to my hometown, it sucks. I haven't lived here in 10 years. I just hate everything. Is it necessary to go through pain to be a better person?

I told myself that moving back here is an opportunity for me to change for the better, instead, I think it's tearing me apart, making me the worse person I could possibly be. And it's just started. I haven't even began my studies, settled down and what not.

It's not the people, or the place. It's everything that's making it worse.