Has the feeling sunk in yet?

I arrived in Sabah, Malaysia on the 20th, on a friday.

For the past few weeks, I've been asking my sister 'Has the feeling sunk in yet?'.
When we started to pack our things a few months back, when we moved out of the house a month ago, when we left NZ 2 weeks ago, when we were in Singapore last week and when we arrived in Malaysia. I ask her this almost every day. Until today, neither of us feel as if it's real.

From the moment I arrived in the airport, everything was horrible. The air was humid, the people surrounded were illegal pervery immigrants. Reality sunk in. First of all, my family is going through a rough time, my parents are going through a hard time. Every day seems to be fighting day, filled with either cold silences or hatred and tears.

A few months back, something inside of me changed slowly. Like a seed planted in me, and it grew. Not literally obviously. I've changed my attitude and mindset. Even my family noticed. I don't like being at home, I don't like the atmosphere with my family. I give cold responses, I don't like to smile. I answer back whenever I can. I don't like to talk. I make mean and harsh comments. It's been like that for awhile actually. It's funny what all these can do to a person.

The actions, words and faces are so familiar. Something like a rebellion spirit. Something like someone close, someone we knew for a very long time.

Life seems to get tougher everyday.

Today, I woke up and went downstairs to find my mother sobbing in her room by herself. My parents fought again. Something about how my dad has changed, how things are different, etc. All I could do was to put my arms around her. My sister came shortly after and started to comfort my mum with me. They both cried. I held back my tears. Part of me felt sympathy, but the rest was nothing. I should feel sad and miserable, and instead I feel nothing. Just coldness and a slight understanding. If my mum can't stay strong, I have to. For my family, and myself.

I used to be really emotional. Somehow over the years, or maybe months, I grew insensitive and I tend to hide my emotions instead. Is it wrong that I want to appear strong? Is coldness such a bad thing?

My parents fight about the littlest things. It's like a tiny battle. My sister is pretty much on my mum's side. She reckons my dad has change. I'm on no one's side. It's both of their fault. Many couples tell me marriage is hard, in my head though, I don't think it's that hard to work out. It's just some misunderstandings, differences and challenges, right?

My mum asked me whether I'd wanna go back to NZ when she was crying. The answer is obvious isn't it, I hate it here. I hate everything. We all know that God has a plan for us, that everything he does is for a greater purpose. This is my 3rd time migrating, although it's back to my hometown, it sucks. I haven't lived here in 10 years. I just hate everything. Is it necessary to go through pain to be a better person?

I told myself that moving back here is an opportunity for me to change for the better, instead, I think it's tearing me apart, making me the worse person I could possibly be. And it's just started. I haven't even began my studies, settled down and what not.

It's not the people, or the place. It's everything that's making it worse.